


The Choice

by AdAbolendam



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: After THE Scene in 5x17, Angst, Drama, F/M, Love, Philinda - Freeform, Seriously guys-- a lot of angst, Spoilers for "Honeymoon", Super-Angsty, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 02:50:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14322945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdAbolendam/pseuds/AdAbolendam
Summary: There is more to Ghost Rider's deal than May knows.





	The Choice

**Author's Note:**

> This is not a happy fic. Just giving you a fair warning!

“I’m sorry.”  
  
Melinda May’s fingers paused over the controls in the cockpit, but she did not turn around to face the intruder.  
  
“You’re going to need to be more specific,” she replied. “You’ve done a lot over the last few days to be sorry for.”  
  
“You’re right,” Coulson said. “I was reckless.”  
  
“‘Was?’” She repeated. “Does that mean you are going to be more careful going forward?”  
  
“I’ll try to be.”  
  
May shook her head and returned to setting the coordinates on the dash. They had a mission to complete. Coulson had made it clear time and again that their job came before anything and anyone else. Including himself. Maybe it was finally time that she accepted that he was not going to change.  
  
“I wasn’t trying to get myself killed, May,” he said. “But I’m going to die either way. I thought it was better that…”  
  
A chill crept over her as he trailed off.  
  
He was silent for so long, she would have thought that he had left if it were not for the shadow that he cast over her.  
  
“I didn’t know,” he said quietly.  
  
May closed her eyes and winced against the pain that shot through her chest.  
  
“How could you not?” She asked his reflection in the windshield. “When I’ve been here beside you all this time?”  
  
The co-pilot’s chair gave a knackered sigh when he sat down to face her.  
  
“Because I could not believe that someone as smart, talented, and compassionate as you could feel that way about me.”  
  
May glanced over at him for the first time since he had arrived. He could barely look at her. His eyes darted from her face to his hands. Suddenly, she was looking at the agent she used to run field ops with twenty years ago, the young man who fumbled his way through negotiations and lacked the confidence to bluff, even with his life on the line.  
  
Underneath the years of victories, defeats, and hard-learned lessons, they were still adolescents. Hardened facades and quipped dialogue disguised the fact that they were making all of this up as they went, doubting themselves at every turn. May was better at hiding it than he was, but she was no different. It was one of the dozen reasons that she could not stand the idea of facing the world without him.  
  
“You can’t really think that, Phil,” she said. “You can’t really think so little of yourself. And… you’ve seen me at my worst. You know I am anything but ‘compassionate.’”  
  
His head snapped up. She had commanded his full attention.  
  
“That’s not true,” he said. “You are the most compassionate person I know. I know how much everything affects you. You just don’t show it like most people.”  
  
“If you believe that, then how could you think I would not care about losing you?” She demanded. “How could you be so ready to accept something that you know would hurt everyone on the team, including me?”  
  
“I didn’t have a choice,” he said. His gaze dropped to the floor again.  
  
It was unacceptable. It was not good enough! He fought for everything and everyone! How could he just give up?  
  
“You did have a choice,” she seethed. “You didn’t have to take that goddamn deal! We could have found another way to stop AIDA.”  
  
“There was no other way.”  
  
“Bullshit! This happened because you are so hell-bent on being a hero that you didn’t even think about what it would cost everyone else!”  
  
“That’s not true—  
  
“What it would cost me,” she continued. “You really think you are so unimportant that you can just die and no one would even care—  
  
“No, but, May—  
  
“You never even considered the fact that you and I are a team. Everything we’ve accomplished, it’s because we’ve worked together. We keep each other in check! We watch each other’s backs! We fight and laugh and fix one another because we love each other, Phil!”  
  
“I know,” he whispered.  
  
He looked miserable. Under any other circumstances, watching him clutch his hands together so they would stop shaking, seeing his eyes bright with tears, would have sucked the anger right out of her. But now, it just made her furious.  
  
“Then how can you be okay with this?” She yelled. “How could you choose to leave me?”  
  
“Because the other option was letting the Rider kill you!” He snapped.  
  
May blinked.  
  
“What?”  
  
“You’re right, Melinda. I did have a choice. I could have stopped AIDA and saved everyone and walked away without sacrificing myself, but it would have meant losing you.”  
  
Fragments of a story he had kept hidden were slowly taking shape. The image that it formed turned her stomach.  
  
“The Ghost Rider gave you a choice,” she said.  
  
“Between two things that would hurt me the most,” Coulson finished for her. “Losing my second chance at life or losing you.”  
  
The ambient noise of blood pumping through her veins became a roar. She could barely hear him over the rush that filled her head.  
  
“It wasn’t even a choice for me,” he said. “Not really. I didn’t hesitate.”  
  
May watched him reach for her hand, but she could not feel his touch. Every part of her had gone numb.  
  
“You think I don’t understand how you feel, but I do. Because it’s how I would have felt if I had taken the other option. I’ve accepted dying because I know that the alternative would have been worse.”  
  
“I wasn’t trying to be a hero,” he continued. “I was being selfish.”  
  
May clutched his hand so hard in hers that her knuckles cracked.  
  
“I’m sorry it had to be like this, May. I didn’t want to hurt you.”  
  
_“But you did,”_ she thought.  
  
If she could have said the words aloud, she would have. Instead, she doubled over like she had taken a punch to the gut, resting her forehead on his knees. Her scalp prickled and burned as he stroked her hair. She watched tears that she could not feel slide down her cheeks and splash on the floor at his feet.  
  
He whispered something to her, but she could not hear it.  
  
The only sound was the repetitive mantra that rang in her ears.  
  
_“It should have been me.”_

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea and wrote it in one go, so I apologize for the typos and cliches!


End file.
